A Father and Daughter Relationship

 The story Unlighted Lamps by Sherwood Anderson is about a complicated relationship between a father and daughter. It is a relationship that relates and is similar to, many fathers and daughters relationships today.

In this story there is a hurting girl named Mary, who is used to her father’s hardness and cold attitude towards her.  She has never understood why he does not show any sign of affection for her. Mary is bitter from the past complacency and neglect from her father and will not break down the barriers built up around her.

To explain further how Mary feels an excerpt of the book reads: “The habitual silence of her father and the mystery concerning the unhappy married life of her father and mother… had made her own life a lonely one and had encouraged in her a rather dogged determination to in some way think her own way through the things of life she could not understand.”

 There are two sides to this problem, the man’s side and the woman’s side. For example men desire respect from the women in the house, women desire love and affection. When neither is given relationships despair. On one hand the daughter’s side of the story is one of lonely bitterness. On the other hand there is a side to the father’s story concerning his actions and reasons for such behavior.

This next sample from the book is an example of what many fathers might feel when confronting their older daughters.

“…he had remained silent because he had thought no words he could utter would express what he felt. There had been a defense for himself built up. ‘I told myself she [his wife] should have understood without words and I’ve been all my life telling myself the same thing about Mary. I’ve been a fool and a coward. I’ve always been silent because I’ve been afraid of expressing my self-like a blundering fool. I’ve been a fool and a coward.’” 

The father had had a rough past relationship with his wife and so thought his daughter too, was of the same mindset/personality as his wife and avoided her as well. Not to say all fathers have bad relationships with their wives and this results in a bad relationship with their daughters, but they are sometimes baffled or confused in how they should express themselves and after a period of time, give up trying.

In this case they are both at fault. The daughter should not give up trying to win the fathers affection. The father should push aside his past relationship and try communicating and caring tenderly for the being placed in his care. A father and daughters relationship is crucial to both people’s lives. The daughter’s especially. She needs to have her father’s manly support in her growing years. She needs his arms around her guiding and protecting her.  If there are no embraces, no words of encouragement, no protection, she will look for those qualities elsewhere.

The story in Unlighted Lamps does have a turning point in which the father and daughter are both willing to give in and embrace each other. Without the other knowing they both have released past bitterness and are ready to start a normal relationship.

At the conclusion of the story the father returns home from work desperately determined to resolve his broken relationship with Mary. Mary is awake waiting for her father’s return; all in vain. For as he reaches the front door he collapses from a heart attack and has passed within the minute. They were both too late. Mary and her father’s relationship never had a second chance. You see, we only have today. There is no tomorrow. Nothing can be foreseen. So make the moments count, live life like it is meant to be lived: in the moment, not in the past. Daughter, love and respect your father; father, love and devote yourself to your daughter. Make it a habit. You can start today by simply reading a bible verse together! Try it, try something.

Everyone enjoys a fitting reply;
it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!

Proverbs 15:23

~Lisa